The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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