We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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