cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
