Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
