Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
