I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
