He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
