i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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