the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They are going to name an STD after you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We are all done wearing pants today
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
