just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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