Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
