If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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