This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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