A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
