you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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