There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
