remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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