i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk is not a location!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
