I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
