weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
