Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
