last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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