the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize