my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
