@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just invented taco cereal.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
