I hate your face
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize