I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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