I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
