he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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