Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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