You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
