i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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