guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
