i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
third nipple confirmed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
