On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
