I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
