He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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