turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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