I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize