Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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