I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i would punch a child for taco bell
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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