my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
only you would photoshop your dick
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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