They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
