i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
