Your mouth is God's brothel.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
