I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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