i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
