8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize