she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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