you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
