My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Two words: blizzard sex
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
