he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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