the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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