when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
