I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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