WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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