You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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