mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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