if i can run in heels then i can drive
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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